Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
My ass is underappreciated
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
