Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
