He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
