her facebook's as public as her vagina
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
