if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
