i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
