Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
The feeling are messing with the penis
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
There are leaves in my underwear?
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