why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Sorry my hands just texted you
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
