dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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