I feel like I'm in dance class right now
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
