He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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