I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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