i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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