i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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