I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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