My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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