Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
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the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
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its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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