Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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