I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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