All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
