can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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