names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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