she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
