i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
