I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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