Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
