It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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