Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
