I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
