at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
How's work?
Spinning.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
