I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
