obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....