what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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