I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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