SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
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