I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
