I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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