She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
