my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
