trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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