I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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