god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
