upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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