Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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