before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
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If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
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She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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