just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
