your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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