I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
