They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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