I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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