My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
