it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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