I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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