This is not my ceiling
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
