He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
